Ballad of Ukrainian Culture by Volodymyr Bilyk

Mr. Panda Half Fizz

Something hard 

falls in the water'

-subtitled "SPLASH"-

(and "Ah-ha!"-afterthought from Flash ensues)

(Cut to)

Silhouette crawling 

in the water

(cut to)

it is- Panda on land

Lies like a woman in a surrealist flick

(cut to)

Panda in mud-camouflage:

with scoobydoo-eyes

-she thinks there's a Predator somewhere

watching, waiting for the right moment.

So she's hiding hard. keeping herself quiet, breathing slowly...

Even if the only one who'd falled was the Panda.

(whatever 

- gotta believe in something...)

(Even if there is a predator 

the only thing he watches is the sky

Because he is inspired by GAFF-C-BC-A-AE

which sounds all over the place for some reason)

(cut to)

all over the sudden - a fit of utter battlecry!

(cut to)

close-up of Pandas mouth -

lips are painted by a chocolate bar

mixed with blood from bitten lips

-subtitled "disgusting!"

(cut to)

Panda runs through the jungle

and then she falls on an empty spot.

(dramatic brass stab)

- that was a part of her plan,

which was - to make a cloud of dust and make her go up

for whatever reason

And so - it goes up

and Panda blows hard 

Her cheeks looks awful and then funny

- and so the cloud goes in a right direction, 

maybe, it's not quite visible...

(cut to)

Panda sees a silhouette on the horizon

And she goes there --

for a very long time -

she's exhausted, near collapsing, 

- she witnesses a sunrise,

she's bored, but still - somewhat excited.

and so - somewhere down her path - 

she finds a turtle 

- sleeping in chuckhole - giving no damn about anything.

And she chuckles in her sleep 

the way it sounds like a thunder.

And it's utterly irritating...

And then a thought strikes Panda

And she suffers from a nosebleed

- she gets it - she needs the turtles shells.

And she says - "i need your shell!"

But her accent is so thick 

it's abracadabra for the turtle 

- Panda says "come on"

(and it still sounds like thunder)

while turtle replies "huh? what?"

and then the Terminator situation ensues - 

with a little bit of close quarter combat

(But there's no John Workman around to Ono' this, 

so we'll leave it to your imagination,

after all - there's a lot of potential)

(cut to)

there's no turtle.

Panda tries on the shell.

And she looks ridiculuously awkward

but somewhat cool - 

imagine that:

panda in a shell... panda in a shell...

Sounds like a magic spell.

(Somebody - draw me a sigil!)

(cut to)

Panda in a shell now thinks 

she's that turtle that bears some whales that bear the rest of the world.

But there are no whales in this era. 

Because it's plot convenient.

So she wreaks havoc upon land 

and rans away - 

angry, anxious...

Rans so fast she breaks the time-space continium

And lands into the time when whales still existed.

And so she tries to put herself under the whales,

but there a problem - they swim away when she's nearing

- after all - it's really scary when panda in a shell tries to go under you.

And so she digs a tunnel to the center of the earth

and puts it into the debug mode - ups the tempeture

and so all the water on the planet boils away.

And then - when nothing will interfere her idea-fix come true

She comes to boiled whale bodies 

And puts them on her back.

And nothing happens - just panda in a shell with boiled whale bodies on her back under the hot sun - slowly decomposing, smelling bad.

Some scavengers fly around

But she scares them with her battle heavy breathing

Up until the point when she falls asleep 

and dreams of a turtle being attacked by the swarm of bees

She hears a sound of stings tearing up the turtle skin

she sees how liquid fills the eyeholes 

and puts the ladder on the cheeks 

and goes down and falls in splashes, splashes, splashes...

(cut to)

Then she awakes and remembers - there are no land on whales!

And so she goes to the mountain 

- and chops it with the edge of her hand

And while the mountain is up in the air

falling

She puts her whales back on her back and waits 'till the mountain will fall on her.

And it falls 

with purposeful shadow

and terrible sound

and then crumbles because of impact

Pan over the debris...looks fascinating...

(cut to)

Panda in a shell

battered, near broken, 

sprinkles parfume on the damaged whale bodies 

And whistles a lovesong.

then puts the whale bodies on her back again and waits for something

(cut to)

Elephants come around, 

run her over,

stomp for some time...

We hear the crackle of the shell

We hear how whales bodies turn into the pulp...

Then the elephants go away - Panda gets up like nothing happened.

Drops off what's left of bodies.

Because while being stomped upon - 

she found out that things must be upside down 

and So she falls on the parfumed pulp of the whale bodies.

While the sun is slowly stakes her.

(cut to)

Panda in a shell floats in space, frozen 

With her mouth opened wide and eyes shut.